Did you know that how we relate to the world is setup early in childhood. Our primary caregivers teach us how safe we are in this world. We learn relational patterns and how to interact with the world through watching how our parents respond.
Do they stay calm when faced with conflict? Do they get overwhelmed easily? Do they overreact to things? How do they view their external environment and engage with it?
All of these relational factors determine how safe we feel. We learn if we are safe to speak up for ourselves without facing rejection, abandonment or without being shamed. We learn if we are safe to express our feelings and have someone hold the space without reacting negatively. We learn what is expected of us in our external environments to fit in.
Our relational safety can be reflected in our nervous system response somatically ie in our bodies. Some of us learn to fight to be heard, get connection or an emotional response. Some of us learn to run away from conflict and avoid it. Some of us shut down and freeze. Others go into placating others to manage the other persons emotions so they don’t feel the rejection or abandonment.
This response is learned from our primary carers and how they respond to overwhelm of emotions or conflict.
When we are aware of these patterns, we can start to change them. Remember awareness or consciousness is the first step to changing a pattern.
We are all craving love and connection. If you become aware of an anxious attachment pattern playing out, it’s important to look within to learn why this pattern is here and how we can soothe this. When we soothe this need within ourselves, we stop looking to fulfil it externally and can completely change our relational patterns with those around us.
Too often, we look to the other partner for change so we can continue with the relationship. Whilst it is important for both partners to engage in learning more about themselves to deepen connection, profound changes can happen when one partner starts to change how they do conflict. It can help create safety within the relationship which builds trust and provides a safe space for being vulnerable in connection and communication.
Need some help around this? Book in for a session and we can safely and gently bring in some understanding to help communication and connection.
