If you are someone who values a well thought out plan as way of seeking predictability in life and you’re on a fertility journey, then chances are the uncertainty of ‘if’ and ‘when’ you’ll conceive is likely messing with your mental health and starting to invade your career, social life, relationship and more!
I’ve been where you’re at, on the monthly hamster wheel of cycling emotions; the hope, excitement, anxiousness, sadness, grief and isolation.
If you’re trying to make sense of it all and wondering why this experience is making you feel crazy and want to get your groove back, then this is the blog post for you.
It usually starts off like this…
You’ve considered your future thoroughly in your mind and you and your partner are ready to take the plunge into parenthood. Maybe you mention it to your bestie or perhaps you and your partner keep it a special little surprise that you can later share with your nearest and dearest.
You start taking prenatals and get to work. Sex is exciting and more purposeful than ever before… you start to dream and plan for your future…
But then…
Three months in and you’re not pregnant. You grew up with the belief that if you have unprotected sex then pregnancy is certain, so what gives?!
Us humans need to make sense of everything so, you assume you’re at fault. You create a belief that you must’t be doing something right or that something is wrong with you. And, like any normal certainty needing human, you consult the trusted advice of Dr Google. Perhaps it’s just a timing thing? You download an app and you head off to the chemist to buy some ovulation tests and a thermometer to chart your cycle.
You baby dance during your fertile week, awkwardly cycle your legs up in the air afterward to ensure those swimmers have the best chance of getting to their destination (certain that this month is going to be the one). But you’re uninvited monthly guest shows up again and you spend the day trying not to have a mental break down at work.
That plan you had to fall pregnant before Christmas so you could announce it to your family is out the window, and sadness, grief and anxiousness takes over.
In an attempt to crawl back some control you spend all your free time scouring the internet for that magic bullet, you make an appointment with your Dr for testing, start seeing other alternative practitioners and take more and more supplements, you overall your diet and stop drinking alcohol. At this point you have a solid understanding of fertility TTC acronyms.
But month after month… nothing.
Sex has become a chore, you hate your job, you haven’t been on a holiday for ages (all ‘incase’ you conceive) and you find yourself isolating away from friends and family. Resentment and jealousy start to sprout and your internal stories sound like “how can I ever be happy without a baby?”.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing you’re at fault, and then doing anything and everything to be ‘perfect’ to conceive.
But conception is our most sacred feminine creative expression which stems from love, flow and trust. It can’t be forced through desperation and control. Trying to be ‘perfect’ in order to conceive leads us away from our authenticity and creativity, it leads us away from the flow of life, connection and intimacy.
So from me to you, a virtual hug. I want you to know this is NOT your fault. You are doing the best you can in a really difficult situation. We were raised in a society that values the hustle, hard work for reward, discipline and accountability which are all innately masculine traits and don’t align with creative fertile energy.
Top tips for regaining control whilst TTC…
- Give yourself the compassion you deserve, this is hard. Make space for adequate self-care to nourish your mind, body and soul to enable you to continue on the journey.
- Become aware of your beliefs around your fertility story, for each search for the underlying core beliefs that they stem from by asking yourself ‘what must I believe about myself in order for that belief to exist?’. Are these beliefs really true? If not, reframe and shift them (if you are finding this difficult seek out the support of a Fertility Doula/Coach).
- Write down all the ‘things’ you are currently doing to conceive eg. Dietary changes, legs in the air, supplements, practitioner appointments etc. and ask yourself honestly if they are enjoyable or if they are making you more stressed.
- Consider moving forward with the plans that you’ve been holding off on eg. Moving, changing jobs, going on holidays. Know that if you do the thing and then fall pregnant it’s a good outcome and the rest is ‘figure-outable’.
- Have a project that allows you to express your creative side whilst diverting that desire for control into something more tangible. Eg. start a side hustle that you may grow and support you after you have a baby!
- In the moment when you’re really struggling, opt for a change of scenery – get out of the house/office and go for a walk or a dip in the ocean, plan a weekend away or a dinner with friends.
- Consider taking a few months off the conception journey to reset and regather yourself!
- Plan the next step. It could be booking into a Fertility Specialist or IVF clinic, or getting a second opinion. Book it in (many have waiting periods in any case), simply knowing that appointment is there ready for you if and when you need it can be a relief in itself.
So for all my Fertility Warriors out there in the trenches, I see you and I’m sending you love and strength on your journey. If you feel like you would benefit from talking to someone who’s been where you are, who can provide education, guidance, emotional support and mind and body support, feel free to reach out by email at kate@nbip.com.au
With Baby dust,
Kate Walton,
Fertility Doula and Hypnotherapist
